Maintaining Friendships Over Time: Tips for Lasting Connections

Friendships are crucial to a happy, fulfilling life. Several studies show that maintaining long-term friendships offers numerous benefits—from emotional support to introducing you to new opportunities (sometimes even the love of your life!). But despite knowing how important friendships are, many people struggle to keep friends as they move through different life stages. So why does this happen, and how can we defy the odds and preserve our most cherished connections?

Below, we'll explore the growing issue of loneliness, debunk the myth that smartphones are "killing" our social lives, and dive into scientific tips on how to maintain friendships for years (or decades) to come. You'll discover that while loneliness may feel like a personal problem, it's often a symptom of broader cultural trends—and there's plenty you can do to keep your circle of friends close, even in our increasingly busy world.

The Loneliness Epidemic

If you find it difficult to make new friends or keep up with old ones, rest assured: you're not the only one. In 2019, a study revealed 45% of adults say they struggle to make new friends. Even more striking, the same survey found the average American hasn't made a new friend in over five years. The pandemic that followed only exacerbated this disconnect, as social distancing and lockdowns limited our in-person interactions.

When you're young, friendships can feel effortless because you encounter classmates, teammates, and club members daily. From kindergarten to college, you're often thrown into environments where you're practically forced to make friends. Once you leave university or start working, you suddenly realize there's no built-in mechanism for forming new relationships. Add to that the responsibilities of adult life—jobs, families, and errands—and you've got the perfect recipe for isolation.

It goes beyond just feeling sad—chronic loneliness is associated with serious health risks. HRSA warns it can be as detrimental to your heart as smoking fifteen cigarettes a day. Humans are social beings, and when we lack consistent, meaningful connections, our physical and mental well-being suffers.

Is It the Phone's Fault?

A common narrative blames modern technology—smartphones, in particular—for our growing sense of disconnection. We've all seen the memes: a group of friends at dinner, each glued to a screen instead of talking to each other. But is this really the core issue? While it's tempting to say that cell phones or social media are making us "less connected," research suggests otherwise.

Similarly, a study in Finland (2014–2020) reported no strong link between social media usage and depression. In fact, social platforms often deliver exactly what they promise: a sense of connection. A 2012 study found that posting status updates on Facebook reduced feelings of loneliness. Another study in 2020 indicated that Twitter interactions boosted happiness for participants. So while the smartphone might be an easy scapegoat, the data tells a more nuanced story: it's not the phone's fault that you're lonely; it's how you're using (or not using) your available social tools.

The Real Challenge: Time and Social Spaces

So if technology isn't the big bad wolf, why is loneliness on the rise? One major culprit could be lack of free time. In a recent survey of 2000 adults, participants reported they have only four and a half hours of free time per week. By the time you juggle commuting, a 9-to-5 job, childcare, errands, housework, exercise, and maybe a moment to breathe, you're left with precious little time for socializing. When free time is so limited, it's easy to let friendships slip.

Another reason is the declining presence of "third places." Sociologists define third places as social environments separate from home (the first place) and work (the second place). Examples include cafes, churches, community centers, pubs, and libraries. These are informal spots where friendships naturally flourish, because you're casually meeting up and relaxing in a shared environment. Yet in many communities, participation in these venues is plummeting. For instance, American churches face a decline in attendance, and neighborhood hubs such as community centers or local hangouts might be shutting down due to lack of funding. Without these built-in gathering spots, we end up with fewer opportunities to connect consistently.

How to Maintain Friendships, According to Science

So, we know friendships are crucial for your mental and physical health. We also see that people often lose touch as life gets busy. What's the scientifically backed method for preserving meaningful friendships over time? Turns out, there is a guide—researchers have studied friendship formation and longevity—and the consensus points to prioritization and investment. Simply put, consistent effort and shared experiences keep friendships going strong. Below are some research-based tips:

1. Attend a Third Place Regularly

Since friendships thrive in neutral "third places," finding or creating one can be a game-changer. You don't have to become a daily fixture at the local pub, but consider joining or establishing a regular meet-up:

• Social Hobbies: Book clubs, craft groups, sports leagues, Dungeons & Dragons nights—whatever your interest, turning it into a weekly or monthly commitment helps friendships flourish.
• Online Gatherings: If your friends live far away, digital spaces can serve as your third place. Play online games, host a virtual trivia night, or set up a standing Zoom call to catch up.

2. Develop Active Listening Skills

Between busy schedules and digital distractions, it's easy to become a passive listener—nodding along while scrolling through your phone or thinking of the next thing you want to say. Active listening is about being genuinely present:

• Make Eye Contact: If you're in person, looking someone in the eye conveys respect and attention. On video chats, give them your undivided focus.
• Paraphrase What They Say: Before you respond with your own story, restate their main point to show you understood.
• Ask Questions: Open-ended questions signal your interest and encourage deeper conversation.
• Focus on Optimism: If they share challenges, empathize but also help them see positive angles (when appropriate).

Active listening fosters trust and emotional connection. Friends who feel heard and valued will be more motivated to keep the relationship going.

3. Focus on Shared Experiences

Think back to when you were a kid: you bonded with friends by playing together, whether that was making up games in the backyard or competing in sports. Play remains a critical bonding agent, even for adults. Shared experiences—and especially playful ones—reinforce your friendship in a way that texting memes or liking each other's photos can't quite match. Ideas to try:

• Game Nights: Host a monthly get-together (in person or online) to play board games, video games, or party games.
• Trips and Adventures: Plan a road trip, a hiking weekend, or a quick getaway. Making memories together strengthens your bond.
• Local Events: Attend concerts, farmers markets, art exhibits, or festivals. Experiencing something new side by side creates lasting positive associations.

4. Use Social Media to Your Advantage

While social media alone doesn't magically solve loneliness, it can maintain connections across distance and time. A quick like, comment, or direct message shows you still care about what's happening in a friend's life. Here are a few ways to leverage these platforms effectively:

• Celebrate Milestones: If a friend posts about a new job, engagement, or personal achievement, send them a heartfelt congratulations.
• Offer Condolences: Life includes painful moments—sending a brief message of sympathy can remind someone they're not alone.
• Group Chats: Maintain an ongoing conversation thread with a circle of friends. Share articles, funny memes, or everyday life updates. This keeps you connected in a casual, low-pressure way.

Additional Tips for Strengthening Bonds

Besides these primary strategies, here are some bonus tips for going the extra mile:

• Schedule Friendship: It sounds odd, but blocking out time in your calendar for "friendship maintenance" can help. Even a quick text or video call reminder sets the stage for consistent communication.
• Practice Empathy & Compassion: Life can throw curveballs—health issues, career changes, relationship drama. Being understanding during tough times cements friendships over the long haul.
• Share Your Goals: One way to deepen your connection is by aligning on personal goals. If both you and a friend want to get fit, do a virtual workout together. If you're aiming to read more books, start a mini book club.
• Try Something New Together: Novel experiences release dopamine and endorphins, creating positive emotional associations. Whether it's trying out a dance class or attending an obscure film festival, exploring uncharted territory can bring you closer.

Why It's Worth the Effort

It's easy to assume that, as we grow older, it's "normal" to lose friends. But the truth is, friendships keep us healthier, happier, and more resilient. Those who nurture strong social connections often report lower stress levels, faster recoveries from illness, and a deeper sense of purpose. In fact, some psychologists argue that friendships are a better indicator of long-term health than genetics or lifestyle factors like diet and exercise. Having a solid support system is a predictor of overall well-being, life satisfaction, and longevity.

The continuity of friendship—knowing someone over time—fosters a level of understanding that short-term acquaintances rarely achieve. Your old friend might remember how you overcame a big obstacle five years ago, reminding you that you have what it takes to handle new problems today.

Conclusion

The phrase "loneliness epidemic" can sound intimidating, especially if you're already feeling isolated. But remember, you're not alone in this challenge, and there are concrete steps you can take to keep existing friendships strong or even reignite dormant ones. The key lies in consistency and proactivity. Attend your third places (or create new ones), develop active listening skills, focus on shared experiences, and use social media wisely. Small, intentional actions can yield substantial rewards over time.

Invite them to play that new board game you've been eyeing. Revisit a favorite local café or library you both used to frequent. The more you invest in your friendships, the more likely they'll become lasting bonds that support you through life's ups and downs.

So go ahead and make that first move—send a message, set a date, plan a road trip. Remember, maintaining friendships isn't just a social nicety; it's a powerful way to boost your health, happiness, and sense of belonging. When it comes to enriching your life, friends truly are the greatest investment you can make.